January 7, 2019
Today, I felt ashamed of myself for letting my ego lead my way for a very long time but I am also happy and thankful for this realization and the chance to start over and begin anew.
In today’s chapter in A Return to Love, I was hit by waves of emotions I cannot completely comprehend. I felt a sense of regret and shame for all my past actions (which later in the chapter was explained to be a normal feeling). In the chapter, Marianne talks about how the ego affects the way you see people. It talks about how with the ego, you’re always wanting people to be a certain way, to act a certain way or simply just be something they are not in order to fit in the vision you have of them & it talks about how that’s not how love is supposed to be. Love is supposed to be a place where people feel accepted for exactly who they are.
Reading this part of the book brought me to the realization that I was playing the role of a super egoistic person who shouldn’t have been in any of those relationships! Sorry for all the pain guys, I am truly sorry and I hope that someday you’ll be able to find (or that you already found) the healing that you deserve. We all deserve that. As I am typing this, I can hear my ego say “Don’t type that because when they read this, they’re going to justify all that they did and blame you for why the relationship didn’t work out!” The ego is somehow still preventing me from looking at my past experiences with LOVE. In order for me to look at the past with love I must forgive and let go, I need to see my past for their innocence and not their faults. I want to let go and start anew. I want to be free of all the pain that people caused me, past relationships, friendship and even pain caused by family, after all no one is truly perfect and we are all just doing the best that we could.
The first thing I felt while reading this part of the book was shame… not because I’m thinking maybe things would have worked out with them if I had just read this book but because I felt as though I should have known better. How could I though? I was living my life as though I had all the answers. I then realized that I had to go thru all of that to come to this realization. I took some time to get back to reality and had to chat with a good friend of mine about it for a second. She reminded me that realizing my shortcomings is a good way to start and with that I can be a better person for the next relationship that may come my way. This journey to self love has taught me so much and I just wish that I will continue on this path. I am grateful for all the people that guided me thru it all, the people who loved me even at my worst and for people who always believed in my good HEART. They are the reason I am doing all of this. They are the reason why I thought to myself: “there has to be a better way”. They made me question a lot of things about my life and my thoughts that ultimately lead me to be where I am today. I am grateful for a lot of them.
Here are a few of them: (so many people to thank)
For my Mom, for always being by my side, for showing me (& I finally understood) how and what it takes to truly love someone.
For my Dad, for always being by my side, for not giving up on us and for showing us strength when we needed it the most.
For my siblings, for always being by my side, for always looking out for me and for loving me unconditionally.
For Rachel, for always being by my side, for always believing in my Kind Heart even on times I was not being the friend she deserved! I love you.
For Destinie, for always being by my side, for showing me my strength when I needed it the most, for facing our obstacles together (mental, emotional, you name it!). Growing & Learning about life and love alongside you has made all those troubled times worthwhile.
For Kim, for always being by my side, for giving me directions, for encouraging me to be who I truly am and for giving me the strength to do what I want to do even when people are against it.
For Sheryl, for always being by my side, for showing me what forgiveness can do with friendship. For showing me what it truly meant to let go of the past and begin again.
I am truly blessed. They are just some of the people I am truly grateful for! There are many many more!
Thank you, God, for bringing me in this exact moment, sitting in my chair typing on my laptop. This exact moment where I look back to the people whose always been there for me is a true blessing I will never take for granted. THANK YOU!