January 9, 2019
I lost track of where I was, I’m looking around for my inner peace and frantically looking for a way to look at things with love.
My insecurities revealed itself a little bit today but for reasons that I inflicted myself (onto myself). I even thought that maybe I need a drink to type and write this so I could be more real and raw (but I didn’t). I had a whole page of things on here but decided to delete the whole thing. I think this marks the very first day in 2019 history that I am writing with a frantic heart. It feels heavy as though it shouldn’t be here, because it really shouldn’t. I want to be real and I want to be brave so brave I will be. (Always be #bravey)
What triggered my insecurities? You ask… It’s a put together guy. A man who has his life (to what seems like) figured out. I knew going thru my self-love journey that I am meant to meet people just like him because that’s a sign that I am doing something good with myself. See, I knew this was coming and yet the minute we hang up that phone all I wanted to do was run! My life started to seem uneventful and unfulfilling, maybe this is exactly what I needed. I reached out to the Holy Spirit to guide me thru this because my insecurities are not getting in the way of me getting to know someone who shares the same interests as me, someone who can potentially make a great positive impact in my life.
So this is what it’s like to get to know someone when you’re doing so great inside. As the Course in Miracles points out, the Universe will challenge you on your journey. The Universe or God Himself will bring people in your life that will challenge your being until you learn the lesson you need to learn. In this case, my lesson (it has always been) is to see myself in the LIGHT instead of the DARK. My lesson is to figure out a way to channel my inner peace on times when it seems like it is being shaken (by my own self). My lesson is to not run away and enjoy the moments for what it truly is.
What can I do to deal with this with love? What can I do to prove to the Universe and myself that I have learned my lesson, that love is always the answer?
First, of course, is to not run away. (LOL moment: PIA you’re too silly to think that you will ghost this guy! Coz ya know what you’re not going to!) All am saying is if I did decide to ghost him I would have to use this forceful thing called
PRIDE/EGO to do so & that’s the old me. Running away makes you believe that you’re brave to let something go when really it’s a cowardly way to tell someone “ I’m too scared for you to get to know me!!“ (I just had an AHA moment) So I won’t do that. I won’t run away. I will face this with an open heart and relinquish all the thoughts that aren’t even real in the first place. He enjoyed my company and he didn’t seem like he was worried about the silly things I was worrying about.
Secondly, I will stop comparing myself to him. His choices and my choices brought us at the same place. Regardless of what we did in the past, we ended up here, talking and planning to meet up. All the choices that I made (& he made) is the reason why we met. Nothing in life is accidental and that’s something that I need to remember. (WOW another AHA moment) Maybe if I made different choices then, this whole thing wouldn’t even be really happening right now! WTH.. This blog is done. Bye!
Well, ok ok, I have a few more things to add. Besides having that AHA moment, I feel like I should add here some more things to bring joy to my life and yours. I should add that I am truly not perfect and he is not either. We all have flaws & just as much as I want to be able to accept his past he should be willing to do so for me, as well. That is life.
I need to remember that I am here for myself and not anyone else. I should remember the challenges of self doubt that I had overcome. These so called triggers is not who I am. They are just reminders of how far I’ve come. Yes, I will continue to work on myself for myself. I will use others as an inspiration and motivation to do something about my life instead of the latter. I know how hard it is to open up to people and I am grateful that he has been opening up to me wholeheartedly. More importantly I am happy that I dealt with this issue from the inside instead of trying to fix it from the outside.
I always thought that the people that are meant to stay in your life will stay no matter what you do, did and will do. It is not because of some forceful force that makes things meant to be but because of how much LOVE will be present in your lives together, may it be with friends, family, significant others & most especially with yourself. (#SELFLOVE)
As always, thank you for taking a moment of your time to read my thoughts.
Yours Truly Yours,